Mai's True Calling
by OwlinAMinor
Summary: Mai finally realized her true calling: to become a ninja. Unfortunately, it required leaving her boyfriend, which did not do good things for his sanity. Maiko and a bit of Zukaang. Crack.


**MAI'S TRUE CALLING**

**DESCRIPTION: Mai finally realized her true calling: to become a ninja. Unfortunately, it required leaving her boyfriend, which did not do good things for his sanity.**

**PAIRINGS: Maiko and Zukaang (sort-of)**

**GENRE: Parody & Angst**

**INSPIRATION: My sister pointed out how similar Mai is to a ninja, and it all just went downhill from there …**

**WARNINGS: Crack. Of a crack-ish variety. In a crack-ish place.**

**DISCLAIMER OF THE YODA VARIETY: Owning Avatar: The Last Airbender I do not.**

Once upon a time, Mai looked at her black hair and her blank expression and the daggers hidden everywhere in her black robes that she could throw with deadly accuracy, and she realized something.

Something huge.

Something she actually cared about. Besides Zuko.

(At this time, division by zero became possible. But that's another story entirely.)

She cared about her true calling, a calling that she realized had been yelling to her ever since she was born. It had been screaming and pointing at her, saying, "Come to the dark side, Mai! We have cookies!" but it had been too quiet, and she had not heard it.

It was unfortunate. The true calling had been getting very sad.

BUT ANYWAY. All that was behind her now, because she had finally realized her true calling.

This true calling was ..

…

Wait for it …

…

BECOMING A NINJA.

Impressive, right? Well, Mai certainly thought so.

She decided to find some ninjas to ask to teach her their ninja-like ways in order to fulfill this awesome calling. It wasn't very difficult – she simply used her newly realized ninja skills to do it. (All ninjas have ninja skills with which they can find other ninjas, you see. It's an ancient art, past down from generation to generation. They call it the Internet.)

The ninjas watched Mai throw her daggers with deadly accuracy and a blank expression on her unrelenting face and immediately bowed down to her superior ninja-ness.

The moment was so timeless and awe-inspiring that several artists appeared out of nowhere to capture it and several historians appeared, from where they had been hiding in the ninjas' closet (historians are the most skilled type of ninjas, you see) to take notes, so that the history texts they would write about it later would be slightly more accurate than they would have been otherwise.

Mai now had to make a decision. It was a very easy decision; it took her about five seconds to make. She simply weighed the pros of becoming a revered ninja master against the pros of staying in her extremely boring normal life, doing absolutely nothing of consequence. (There weren't very many of the latter.)

The ninjas told her that she shouldn't tell anyone about her decision, because she might change her mind (and that would be seriously horrific for the ninja community), but there was one person she just _had_ to tell.

"Hey. Zuko."

"Oh, hi, Mai."

"I've realized my true calling – the thing that will save me from this unbearable life of monotony."

"Um … Good for you, I guess? What is it?"

"To become a ninja."

"What's a ninja?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand."

"Wait! Mai! Don't leave! I need you! I will burn to nothingness without you!"

"I am leaving you to become a ninja master. Don't try to follow me. Oh, wait, you can't, because I am becoming a ninja master. Ha-ha."

"But … but I thought you cared about me!"

"I _do_ care about you. I just care about becoming a ninja master more. Good-bye."

"But … Mai … NOOOO!"

With this abandonment, Zuko's angst finally morphed into what it had been struggling to form ever since his father gave him that scar: desperation.

He was seriously _thisclose_ from exploding in a flaming cacophony of angsty energy that arose from the vast oceans of his stomach to destroy him and everything he held dear in the world.

Like, legit.

Now, Zuko still had a little tiny bit of sanity (you could see it if you squinted, unless you happened to be Toph, in which case you couldn't) left, and he didn't _want_ to explode in a flaming cacophony of angsty energy that arose from the vast oceans of his stomach to destroy him and everything he held dear in the world.

So he tried to prevent it. Zuko-style.

He tried going up on a mountain during a thunderstorm and getting struck by lightning to lessen the pain. Unfortunately, what he had thought was a thunderstorm turned out to be just Aang peeing from the air over the top of the mountain. (Anyone could've made the same mistake. Really.)

He tried getting Katara to love him as consolation. … Let's just say that "MY HEART BURNS FOR YOU" is a really bad pick-up line. He came out of that one soaking wet and with even more desperation than before.

He tried pretending to be the Avatar and then capturing himself, then telling himself that his honor had been restored. It worked pretty well, until he realized that switching places between the kidnapper and the kidnapped is really difficult when the kidnapped is supposed to be tied up.

He tried having Katara-doesn't-love-either-of-us-and-we-kind-of-hate-each-other-but-not-really-so-let's-have-sex sex with Aang. The problem with that one was that both of them wanted to top, and the argument over who would top turned into a full-fledged Air v.s. Fire bending battle that ended up with two severely burnt pieces of important male anatomy.

He tried asking Iroh for advice. Iroh suggested tea. Zuko did not approve. TEA SETS WERE FLIPPED. (He would have flipped a table, but there were none, so he flipped a tea set instead. Like a boss. Or like a Zuko, which is almost as good.) IROH WAS ANGERED. ZUKO RAN AWAY LIKE A GOOD ITALIAN, even though he's not Italian. (Well, then again, maybe he is. You never can tell with Italians.)

He tried asking Appa for advice. Appa refused to talk to him, because Appa knows a lost case when he sees one. (Appa is a smart motherfucker. I mean Sky Bison. Whatever.)

That final attempt was so disheartening that Zuko could no longer withstand the pressure.

He let it all out.

And boy, did it sound … perverted.

"RAAAAAAAAHHH OH MY GOD IT HURTS SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHO JESUS IS IT HURTS SO BADDDD **MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT –**"

He exploded in a flaming cacophony of angsty energy that arose from the vast oceans of his stomach to destroy him and everything he held dear in the world.

Except for a tiny part of him that flew across time, space, and fictional universes to land in a certain corner of a certain music room in a certain high school for snobby rich kids in a certain Asian country we all know and love.

And that is how Tamaki's emo corner was created.

**~THE END.~**

**A/N: … Yeah. Okay. That was probably one of the strangest things I have ever written.**

**…**

**You know. Probably.**

**Reviews are loved more than Iroh loves tea. :)**


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